The worst part of having a mental illness with psychosis is being unable to trust reality. I’ve never been normal, but I have an active imagination. I see all these posts about positive thinking and affirming self-talk. Must be nice. My world, when I’m in the thick of psychosis, doesn’t offer that. Positive thoughts are replaced with delusions. Affirming self-talk is replaced by the voice of Satan. I can hear him talking to me. His voice is as real as my wife calling from the next room. I can not see him but he’s all I hear. Self-talk doesn’t make him go away. God’s truth fights to penetrate through a wall of lies.
My delusion is I’m literally in hell. I’m no longer on this earth, a child of a loving God. I’m being punished by Him, but I don’t know why. I don’t understand what I’ve done. I don’t know why God hates me so much when all I try to do is serve Him. I don’t know why I’m alone and no one cares.
There is no comfort. I read scripture but it only brings pain. I’ve accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, but He hates me. I read about His loving acts towards His children but don’t understand why I don’t qualify. There is nothing I can do. I am lost.
I wish I could write this in past tense. I wish I could keep these words to myself, as if denying them would make them go away, but I can’t. You see, this is my world, not every day, but often enough. I need to share because I need to bring some good out of the craziness. I want you to understand what you probably find incomprehensible. Imagine yourself in my world. Imagine being betrayed by your senses. And then realize that this isn’t your imagination, this is reality for too many people. Have empathy not judgement for those of us who suffer. We don’t deserve this. It wasn’t caused by sin in our lives. We are not demon possessed – even when it feels like it. We are hurting people with an illness just like diabetes or heart disease only it strikes our mind instead of our pancreas or heart. Don’t push us away because you don’t understand. Our faith is not weak but distorted. We have a hard time understanding God’s truth when our understanding is warped. Love us anyway. We need to be loved.
Photo by Dasha Yukhymyuk on Unsplash
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