The Source of Fear

One of the things I’m not sure people understand is the FEAR this frontotemporal degeneration causes. The diagnosis is progressive and uncurable. The most common cause of death is pneumonia. I’m already struggling with swallowing which is what likely will cause the pneumonia. I’m not afraid to die. I’m afraid of the loss of cognition that comes. I’m afraid of losing myself, my values, my dreams.

1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” I try to turn to God for Him to cast out all fear. I know He loves me. I know He is with me in my fear. But still I struggle. Still the fear hits me.

Sometimes I just need to sit in the fear, to feel it, to face it. This is when I need my friends and family – to sit with me and remind me I’m not going through this alone. I need someone to take my hand and lead me through the fear into the light. Denial doesn’t help. It doesn’t change anything. Pretending this isn’t happening isn’t stopping anything from happening. But knowing I’m not alone, knowing I will be okay – even if not until eternity – keeps me going.

There is so much I don’t know. I don’t know what I couldn’t locate on the internet searches I obsessively, compulsively do. Daily I seek out answers the doctors don’t offer. I review test results and physician comments. When I’m not denying my future, I’m fearing it.

I wonder when the fear will leave. Will it be too late to experience peace? Will I be locked away in my mind? Will I ever accept what is happening as a part of life? We’re all going to die and it won’t be on any timetable. It’s morbid to think about but I could be hit by a car or have a heart attack. Or it could be slow and scary. I don’t know. No one does. So, I’m learning to move past my fear. I’m learning to rely on God and those who love me to wrap their arms around me and reassure me. Tell me it will be okay not because we know there will be an end but because we know there will be a future.

Photo by Yulia Gadalina on Unsplash