Can I just say it? I’m ANGRY! I'm angry and frustrated. I have two main health issues. Schizoaffective disorder has attacked my mind and gastroparesis has attacked my stomach. I’ve had mental health issues since I was a child and gastroparesis for nearly a decade. I’ve seen doctors and had tests. Diagnoses and prognoses have come and gone. Both illnesses are chronic and manageable, not cured. Both rob me of my dreams and color my world. They are my enemy.
I manage all this fairly well actually. I haven’t worked outside the home much, but I stay busy with my ministries and writing. So, why am I angry? Because of the reality of it all. I had electroconvulsive therapy to treat the schizoaffective disorder. They say it doesn't cause brain damage but in my case, I believe it did. I was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment following it. 2017 is gone along with many other cherished memories. It is interesting the way it affects me. I’m not a doctor but from what I can tell based on my own experience, if the memory was stored in multiple places, I can sometimes recall it. I don’t always remember the event but if I’ve told the stories many times, I remember the retelling of the event.
Over the last six months, the MCI has worsened. People say it happens when we get to this age, but I have to say, if what I’m experiencing is just the beginning of memory issues, I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like in 10-15 years. I walk into a room but don’t know why. It happens right? We have “senior moments”. Except I have “senior moments” all day long. I wander around my house not knowing why. I’ll go to get a glass and go to the wrong cabinet even after living here for 10 years. I forget the name of a friend I’ve had for years. I don’t know what day of the week it is and if it’s not written down, it doesn’t exist although in the time it takes me to grab a pen or my phone, I often forget what I intended to write.
So, I mentioned it to my doctor, and we’ve begun the process of referrals and tests. So far there are no answers. I try not to worry but I’m scared. I’m scared of the what ifs? I’m scared they find nothing, and I’m stuck in this misery. I’m scared of the future. But through it all, I turn to God for comfort and relief. I count my blessings. I have so much to be grateful for so, I try to focus on that and give my fears to God. I don’t have answers, but I am loved and valued. No matter what my future holds I know I’m secure in God’s arms.
Photo by Marco Bianchetti on Unsplash
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