Pain

I share a lot. Some might say I overshare. There’s a reason why I do it. I have been through so much: abuse, addiction, abandonment, physical, emotional and mental illness. I live as  a minority: LGBTQ and biracial. All of it has shaped me into the person I am today. I could have given into the pain. I could have become angry and bitter – and there are times when I am – but I don’t stay in that head space. I try to see the blessings in my life. I turn to God for healing, not just doctors and therapists. I write about my journey: the obstacles and how I’ve overcome. I find whatever semblance of peace I can by writing about my pain – the setbacks and triumphs.

I try to protect those I love from my honesty but sometimes that’s hard to do. My story didn’t happen in a vacuum. Other people hurt me. I hurt other people. But I grew up with secrets. I grew up having my pain dismissed. I grew up reaching out for help and being ignored. So now I try to use discretion, but I don’t keep secrets. I won’t be minimized.

My life can be an example for others. I’ve been told my writing helps. I’ve been told my goal of using my pain for other’s benefit is valid and achievable. So, I will keep writing. If my writing speaks to you, let me know. Let me know my sharing isn’t in vain. But I want to encourage you to keep fighting, even when things are bad. I want to let you know, you aren’t alone. Your suffering doesn’t have to win over your life.

I am strong. I know that. I have grit. I know that. Fighting is worth it. I know that. I want you to know it, too. I want you to reach down deep and keep going because I am just like you. I cry and scream at the injustice of it all, but then I pick myself up and face another day. I want to quit but I don’t and I don’t want you to, either. We’re in this together. All of us. All of us who keep going even when we don’t want to.

I’m going to be honest and overshare that sometimes I just want to go home. I believe God is waiting for me and I’m ready for the wait to be over. I take those emotional assessments at the doctor’s office and scare the staff because of the answers I give. Yes, I want to die but no, I’m not going to kill myself. I don’t need a psychiatric ward. I will keep going even though I don’t want to. I will wait for God’s timing.

So, if my writing bothers you, keep scrolling. I’m not writing for your comfort. I’m writing to those that struggle as I do. Yes, there is pain, but we are more than our pain. Write your own story. Tell your own truth. We will overcome. Together. Despite the pain.

If you enjoy my writing, consider subscribing to my blog on Substack: https://jasmineraysymms.substack.com/ 

Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash