DIARY OF A FIERCE WOMAN 11/7/2026 GRIEF PROCESS

It goes without saying that I have been going through the grief process over my diagnosis of frontotemporal dysfunction. I find myself bouncing between the five stages of grief, struggling to make sense of my new reality. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, I don’t go through them linearly. I flow between them, move forward, double back, but it takes a lot of energy processing everything that is happening to me.

DENIAL: I tell myself it’s not really THAT BAD. I can still do what I want. I’m independent. I’ll be okay. But then the reality hits. It is that bad and I can’t do what I want. I depend on others every day. I don’t understand what is happening to me or what my life will look like – how it will change, but it is happening. It’s not my imagination. I’m not being a hypochondriac. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve had two progressively worsening neurocognitive assessments. My PET scan showed brain changes. A video swallow study showed I am having difficulty swallowing. I didn’t somehow rig those tests. It was the neuropsychologist that told me to apply for disability, and the government approved me on the first try without a lawyer. I qualified for Medicare even though you usually have to wait 2 years if you’re on disability and under the age of 65. The government is convinced this is real and I won’t get better. My brother told me that approval makes it sink home. He was right. If the government that rejects people regularly says I’m disabled, then I must be. It doesn’t feel real, but it is.

ANGER: I am so angry at God. It seems like a cruel joke. Doors that were opening slammed shut. I’ve been through so much. It isn't just the abuse, abandonment, or familial addiction I’ve overcome. I also deal with personal challenges and mental illness. I have gastroparesis, a severe physical illness. My wife tells me, “You’ve been through so much in your life, more than anyone I’ve ever known.” I told my best friend what she said, and she agreed. Then I told my counselor, who also agreed. The woman who works at the prison and meets people at their worst believes I have overcome more than anyone she has ever known. I tell God that I only want to serve Him with all my heart, and yet I frequently feel like God must not want to use me and made me sick instead.

I had dreams! Dreams of serving God in these amazing ways. My sole goal in life is to hear the words, “Well done good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21), but then this happened. It FEELS like my dreams are ending but I’m still fighting. I’m still striving.

BARGAINING: I gave God everything in my life, every hope, every dream I had was His but I find myself pleading PLEASE don’t make me go through this. I don’t understand why. I don’t know what I need to do to make this stop. I am so afraid of what is happening to me. This is my worst possible fear: losing myself, becoming someone I don’t know. Striking out at others. Behaving inappropriately. I don’t know what the future holds or what I will face.

I wanted God to use me in great ways and He said, “no”. He’s using me in other ways, but I don’t always see them. I’m told people like my blog posts but only get a few “likes”. I’ll cry out to God, “What do you want from me? How do I serve you when you keep saying, “no”!

DEPRESSION: I withdraw into myself. I sit in this negative space. I sit with the overwhelming pain that drags me down. I cry myself to sleep every night. It’s hard for me to sleep. I have a pattern: turn off the lights and start to pray for those friends and family I know are struggling. This leads to gratefulness on my part as I see my blessings and remember that everyone struggles. But then my reality and my grief consume me and I’m left in tears, reaching out my hands to heaven as if I could touch God Himself. And the tears flow until sleep finally comes.

ACCEPTANCE: There are moments when I face what is happening. Moments when I turn to writing, hoping to use my experience to help others. I find opportunities to serve even with my limitations. I focus on using whatever time I have to enjoy the life I have with the people I love. I look for positive memories to overshadow the pain. My wife and I use our fifth wheel every summer. We’ll go for long walks, on the beach, around town, up the hills. We’re trying to create memories even if they won’t last. We went on a Caribbean cruise last year and we’re going on a cruise to Alaska in June. We’re planning a vacation with our kids and grandson. I visited relatives this past August. I drove with my Aunt and Uncle to San Francisco for the wedding of my cousin’s daughter. I couldn’t travel to an unfamiliar place by myself, and their daughter suggested I reach out to them as they were driving down anyway. It was wonderful! I got to talk with cousins and second cousins. It was hard after my mother passed, but my mother’s sister and sister-in-law have made a concerted effort to keep me connected to the family. While the memories fade from these experiences, the feeling of connection to family remains.

Now, I look at my life and think, “Ok, this isn’t the life I want but it’s what I have and I can still see the blessings.” I’m learning to surrender. To give up control to God. To let Him direct my care and my future. I still have a lot more to give, even if I’m scared. I’m loved. I have people to support me. Most people don’t understand. To them I seem fine. I don’t show the fear I face. I smile over the depression and discouragement. I still circle back to the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, but I’m spending more time in acceptance. Not all the time, but often enough to have moments of peace. I cherish those moments. They’re all I have left.

I hope you find this journey interesting and if you find my writing thought provoking, consider subscribing to my blog on Substack: https://jasmineraysymms.substack.com/ 

All previous posts are available on Substack and my website.

Photo by Christian Agbede on Unsplash