Keeping Secrets

I recently talked to a special friend who is a recovering alcoholic. She inspires me and I wanted to write about her, but she was afraid of what people might think of her. She seemed ashamed about how low she had sunk in the depths of her addiction. And there were probably feelings she had about those years that I will never understand. So, I’m not going to write ABOUT her. I’m going to write TO her. This is to anyone who feels ashamed of their journey. To anyone who made so many mistakes it feels like YOU are a mistake. To anyone who did things they aren’t proud of just to survive. This is for you.

To the person I love, shame doesn’t have to define us. You want to keep your secrets and I respect that. I’ve chosen to share my life with others as a way to cope with my pain but that doesn’t work for everyone. What I’ve learned through my writing is I can write truth even when my soul hasn’t absorbed it, yet. I can offer hope to others even when I struggle to see that hope. And when I do, my soul lightens. I can look at my words and be reminded that I’m loved, strong, and capable.

As  you’ve taught me, Alcoholics Anonymous works because of the anonymity. You can be totally honest and face things you don’t want to face knowing you are with others who understand. They won’t shame you or expose you. They lift you up. That is necessary for true healing. I’m glad you have that space and I want to protect it. Even as out there as I am, telling my story to any who’ll listen, I have secrets, too. My writing allows me to control the narrative. I can put out my pain to the world and reflect others judgement because I’m choosing what I’m exposing and have a (subconscious?) plan ready in defense. I’m protected to some degree.

You’re living your life and setting an example for others. You radiate strength. You ooze compassion. I’m grateful to witness your journey and learn from you. I’m thankful you’re in my life.

You are a warrior queen. No matter what you’ve faced in your past, you have triumphed. Straighten your crown, lift up your head and believe YOU ARE AMAZING! You are courageous and powerful. You’ve beaten the odds and overcome. You have so much to be proud of, so much to offer others. You have overcome. I will shout that from the rooftops. But, your secrets are safe with me. You are safe with me.

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Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash