As I thought about the topic for this blog post, the phrase, “In this moment” came to mind. I lay in bed saying my nightly prayers and a peace came over me. I realized whatever I might be struggling with, I could take a moment and focus on the love of God. I can know I’m safe in my heavenly Father’s arms. I felt that complete trust knowing I was not alone, that God was with me.
I needed that realization as two days later I was given a difficult diagnosis: major neurocognitive disorder. I reached out to friends and was met with incredulity. They couldn’t believe it. I could. I’d been struggling with memory loss for years – diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment five years ago – but it had recently gotten worse. I found myself struggling to learn new things and remember old ones. People would tell me it was just normal aging but I knew it was more. I’m 54. If this is where I’m at being 54, I fearfully thought what will 64 bring? 74? As I listened to the doctors voice I was in shock but not surprised.
I’m searching online trying to understand what is happening to my brain. I’m not at the end of the road but the beginning. I’m scheduling doctor appointments and more tests. We have to determine if this is something reversible like the medications I take. That sends more terror into me than the diagnosis did. I’ve worked hard to build a life of somewhat normalcy. What will changing my medications do to me? Will it help with the memory loss or simply destabilize me. I’ve been under the care of an amazing doctor, but we’ve tried most meds to find the cocktail I’m on now. What are my options if that has to change?
When I told my pastor, Pastor Malcolm Brown, he responded beautifully, “Breathe deep in the love and peace of Christ. Exhale that which is bringing you down. Rest in the loving arms of God and pray as I am doing for you, for your medical team and for clarity on what is going on with your Body. God has got you and the Holy Spirit is with you in front, behind, alongside you and above and below you. I am praying that you find peace and patience in your waiting which is so very hard and courage to face whatever is before you. Remember also that we are also with you to love and support you.” Amen
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