I’m a Badass

I’ve been through a lot in my life – more than some, less than others. My latest struggle – frontotemporal dysfunction – has thrown me for a loop. I find myself wanting to be done, to go “home”. The struggles that make up my life have become overwhelming. It’s become a spiritual struggle as I try to find the reasoning behind why I must endure trial after trial. Haven’t I been through enough? Haven’t I given enough? Broken, I found myself turning to the book of Job. Job was a righteous man that lost it all. I’ve been trying to read “Job: A Man of Heroic Endurance” by Charles Swindoll. (I struggle to read as I can’t follow plot lines, but I can pick out pieces that speak to me.) There’s a part where he describes Job’s struggle as the loss of his close relationship with God. It is this that Job misses more than the physical things that are taken away. That resonated with me. It’s not the trials that break my heart, it’s feeling alone going through the trials.

 I repeatedly say, “I can handle anything as long as I know what I’m dealing with.” Now I’ve been hit with an illness with no prognosis and no treatment. It is completely unknown. On top of that, it’s forced me to give up the ministries that mean the most to me. I’m no longer capable of leading people. I lack the organizational skills required. I can’t remember items discussed or what needs to be done. Recently, a friend and leader of the church approached me with concerns about my behavior. Twice now I’ve blown up at church, responding to minor incidents with rage. Everyone who knows me, knows that’s not me. But maybe it is now.

It's important to remember the blessings not just the trials. I have an amazing wife who has stood by me, loved me, cared for me. I have two beautiful children and a bonus son. I have a grandson that lights up my world. I am blessed and for that and more, I am grateful.

My sole goal in life is to hear the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Matthew 25:23 But as I turn over the reigns of ministries I’ve developed, I wonder if I will hear those words or has God given up on me? The end of Matthew 25 ends with a servant who didn’t use the gifts God had given him. He loses everything and is tossed out of the Master’s presence.

What frightens me is disappointing a God I love. What I fear is having gone through everything I’ve gone through for nothing. If I must go through pain, I want it to be used to help others. I want it to motivate me to have a deeper relationship with God. I want it to mean something.

A friend sent me a card recently, “They say God only gives you what you can handle….Apparently God thinks you’re a badass”. So, I am going to embrace my badassness (and yes, I’m making up words). I am going to trust that God loves me as His precious child. And even when I struggle to feel His presence, I will trust that He is with me. ^“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.” 1 John 4:18a  It always comes back to love. If I’m loving God, if I’m loving others, I’m honoring God and I think that’s all He asks for. The trials still come and He’s not calling me home yet. Maybe it is because He thinks I’m a badass!

Photo by Dulcey Lima on Unsplash