Hope and Addiction

Addiction has consumed my reality since the time I was a child. My father was an alcoholic and a mean one at that. As an adult I watched my daughter be destroyed by meth and heroin. I avoided drugs and alcohol but my addictive personality showed itself in my food choices. I am a compulsive overeater.

I could write forever about the pain the addiction caused. I had no relationship with my father until he became sober. I had to kick my daughter out of our home after the lying and stealing damaged our relationship.

I hadn’t expected a relationship with my father but then he got sober. He sent me cards – just letting me know he was thinking of me. He would come to visit, arriving on his motorcycle out of the blue. He lived in Arizona but would come up to Washington, no notice, with doughnuts from Pike Place Market that were the size of dinner plates. Good memories with him as a grandpa replacing the abusive memories of my childhood.

I thought my relationship with my daughter was over. She was selfish as an addict often is – angry and belligerent. When she stole my car and faced a year in jail for the car theft and a year for resisting arrest, I thought our relationship was over.

When I pressed charges on the car theft, I gave up hope. My writings from that time showed a finality. I couldn’t expose myself to the pain anymore. I couldn’t stand by and watch her self-destruct. I missed the young child she had been before the drugs took over. I missed the dreams that seemed dashed.

But then the strength an addict has, that only comes out when they’re at their worst, changed them completely. My father worked the Alcoholics Anonymous program. He had 20 years sober when he passed. My daughter went to treatment – one month to get clean and another in a new treatment facility where she learned to stay clean. She followed that up with 9 months in a clean and sober living house and outpatient therapy. She turned her life around. She’s now been clean for over 10 years. She still works a program. She’s married, has a child and works as a manager at a clothing store.

Addiction is a giant sucking vortex that takes over the life of an addict and sucks in everyone around them. It is pain that is indescribable. I gave up hope. So, that’s what I want to share. There can still be hope with addiction. The relationship I had with my father healed. The relationship I have with my daughter blossomed. She is now more impressive than I ever dreamed. She is kind and loving, strong and courageous. The “fairy princess” name I gave her as a child has become “warrior princess”.

No one can tell you how to handle addiction. Everyone’s journey is different. Some never escape it. Some die from it. I don’t have statistics. I don’t know what the odds are that you’ll get your loved one back. I do believe in setting boundaries and letting the addict face the consequences of their actions. I do believe in self-protection. But addiction can be treated. I believe it was the second treatment facility that made the difference. When we visited her in the first treatment facility, she was clean but still angry and self-pitying. When she began to understand what she needed to do to stay clean, she changed into the daughter I thought was gone forever.

I still battle my addiction. You can’t just cut out food, but I watch the strength of other addicts, and it keeps me trying. It’s easy to look at addicts and see them as weak but that’s not true. Recovering addicts require a strength that is beyond impressive. They’re choosing to live life raw, not drowning it out in alcohol or escaping into drugs. They are to be admired not pitied. And for those of us on the outside, we can keep loving, keep praying that they will find their way home. But while they are using or just getting clean, set those boundaries. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you made. Protect yourself from the constant pain, but see the strength required and support them because even when you all hit rock bottom, you can still recover, there is still hope.

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Photo by Jonathan Gonzalez on Unsplash