Changing Dreams

I love to write. I also have cognitive impairment. I had dreamed of being a published author and thought my dreams were dead. I thought God was to blame. He COULD heal me. He could take away the schizoaffective disorder, gastroparesis and cognitive impairment. I beg Him every night when I pray that He would. He could make my writing and speaking dreams come true. He could but He hasn’t…yet.

I’m in therapy and I have a psychology degree so I keep trying to make sense of my feelings. To figure out what I’m really upset about. And I realized a lot of my anguish comes from wanting a heavenly father to be the parent I wanted my human mother and father to be. I wanted a parent who believed in me. Who fought for me. Who protected me. I wanted someone to push me and encourage me. Instead, I have a heavenly father that makes me stand on my own. To fight my own battles and work to make my own dreams come true.

I am very blessed. To all those that think I’m too negative, I know I’m blessed. That’s not the problem. The problem is I have all this reality raining on my parade. I have a severe mental illness tentatively hung together with an assortment of mood-altering drugs. I have gastroparesis which causes severe stomach pain on a daily basis. My brain is broken. I can’t read a book or follow a sermon. My memory is shot. I’ve had to give up driving, leading ministries, and bible studies. The core essence of who I am has taken a hit. But yes, I know I’m blessed. My struggles are outweighed by the blessings of my family and friends, but sometimes, the comparison feels very close.

I don’t think I’m alone in my feelings. I think we all have something happening that’s not the way we want. I think most people – if not all people – have broken dreams, disappointments that haunt us as we fall asleep at night.

For me, I see doors that I thought were slammed shut are opening again. I wasn’t able to find an agent for the book I wrote so I gave up. Until multiple people talked about self-publishing and how it fulfilled their dreams. They may not be New York Times Bestsellers but they got their story out and that was enough. I decided I wanted to do that to so I’m moving forward. I’ve hired a professional editor and signed up for Amazon KDP – their publishing arm. I will probably never be a New York Times bestselling author either but that’s okay. It’s a dream I’m striving for and God is pointing me in the right direction. My dreams aren’t broken, they’ve just changed. God is with me even when He’s not Santa Claus. And I’m not sitting back waiting on a magic genie. Stay tuned. My end hasn’t been written yet.

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Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash