Why

My heart broke tonight. I was talking to my wife, complaining about the latest symptom to show up: apathy and she shared her doubt about the existence of God. She sees what’s happening to me and my struggles and has questions of her own. Questions I can’t answer.

 I’m subdued. Nothing excites me. I just go through the motions. The anger and sadness are still there but it’s like a big blanket has been dropped over them and I’m too tired to lift it up. I still cry myself to sleep at night but there’s a note of despair in my tears.

So, I’ve been dealing with this, and Brittany is watching me. She’s seeing my struggle and search for answers. She’s seen the fear and despair. She’s seen me calling out to God. And she’s seen the silence I get in return. So, she finds herself asking the same questions I have: Why is God doing this and how will it end?

I knew I had doubts, but I forgot about how this would seem to her. I beg God, ‘Why are you doing this? Why do you hate me? Whatever I did, I’m sorry! Please forgive me and make this stop?” These are my cries and I have faith in God. From the outside, is this proof of God’s presence? Or cruelty?

This post has no answers, no pearls of wisdom. Simply a reminder to myself that even when I can’t see God at work, it doesn’t mean he isn’t. Even when I feel abandoned, He is with me. I have no answers for my wife but I keep moving forward. I believe there is a God. I believe He loves me. And I believe it will all work out in the end. I pray that’s enough for both of us,

Photo by Patrick Perkins on Unsplash