View from Above

My mother passed away nearly 3 years ago. It feels like it was just yesterday we were sitting on my couch watching our favorite shows together. I remember her looking at me in the kitchen and telling me she was proud of me. The times when sadness overwhelmed me and all I could think was, “I want my mommy!” Memories I cherish because there won’t be any more.

So many people have told me, “She’s watching over you.” I will confess I hate that idea. Always a liberal democrat, the state of our country would grieve her. If she were looking down on earth it wouldn’t be heaven for her, it would be her greatest fears realized. I realize the idea brings comfort to some but the image of my mother screaming at the TV – and anyone who knew her understands that statement – makes me sad at the thought of her anguish.

What comforts me isn’t her looking down but the knowledge that she is in eternity now and our lives on earth are but a blip compared to eternity. I will see her again and even though those days seem long, they really are hardly anything to her. I picture her sitting at Jesus’ feet discussing theology. I picture her in a garden tending to plants. I picture her reunited with her parents and the others that went before her. I picture her in heaven.

I miss my mother. It’s a loss only those of us who have gone through it can understand. It is a pain like no other. It’s not greater or worse than other losses: saying goodbye to a child or your spouse (neither of which I have experienced) but it is unique because it’s not just losing a person, it’s losing part of what made me who I am. It’s the first relationship I ever knew. She was my world until I met my spouse and even then, her presence in my life was special. She shaped my opinions on God and the world. She hurt me in ways I can’t describe but she also loved me deeply. The bad was outweighed by far by the good.

My mother gifted me with an intellect that cherished learning, a faith that grounds me and supports me, and a love for others that includes sacrifice. God was always a part of our lives so it’s now the biggest part of mine. Serving others was never a choice, it was simply who we were. I’m grateful to the woman she was because of the woman she made me. I make as many – if not more – mistakes than she did but she taught me to keep going, even when things are hard, to tackle the hard parts of life and enjoy the good. I love you, mother, and thank you for all you gave me and taught me. I am who I am because of you.

Photo by Taylor Van Riper on Unsplash