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On the Edge of Sanity

I’m having knee replacement surgery on January 4th. At the request of the anesthesiologist, I stopped one of my psychiatric medications. It’s proving to be a challenging decision. I find myself on the edge between sanity and insanity. As the chemicals in my brain become scrambled, I’m sane enough to know I am not, in fact, truly sane. Instead, I’m walking the line between the two states, wanting to be sane but not possessing the ability to maintain sanity.

My world has become fuzzy, mania is taking over, and my agitation is manifesting itself in the sensation of having electricity running through my veins. I am both unable to focus while feeling like every nerve in my body is on fire. I hear the whisper of the voices that have begun to harangue me. I know just enough to realize that they are not real but instead are just the beginning of my descent into madness. They are pulling me down into the abyss where I do not want to go.

I seek comfort from friends, but no one can quite understand what I’m going through. They don’t understand the terror I feel as my hard-fought sanity slips away from me. I tell myself a mantra that this insanity won’t last. I will restart my medication after the surgery. Unfortunately, I will not experience immediate relief. Narcotics make the psychosis worse so as I recover from surgery, I will again walk a line. This time choosing between relief from the pain that the drugs provide or a precious grasp on sanity if I can just bear the agony.

So, please say a prayer for me. Lift me up that I might fight off this mind suck that envelopes me. Pray that the surgery goes smoothly and my recovery is quick. Pray that this state that I exist in now, does not last. I call out to God, but it gets harder and harder to hear His voice. Pray that I remember He is with me as the fog blocks Him from my sight.

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