LOSING MYSELF, FINDING PEACE POST 12 ECT IMPACT

I underwent electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) for 7 months. It was probably the most impactful event I have ever had in my life. I experienced devastating memory loss. Its ramifications extended into all aspects of my life. At first, I experienced inconveniences such as not remembering where the glasses were kept in the kitchen but then I forgot negative memories that had ruined my life with bitterness and jealousy. I was so impaired from mental illness I risked everything, but the freedom I experienced made it worth it. My schizoaffective disorder didn’t come under control. I lost that battle, but I won the war.

It’s hard to hang onto bitterness when you can’t remember the events that led up to it. All that I had experienced in my life had left me angry and resentful, the extent of which I didn’t even realize I possessed until it was gone. I had experienced abuse and abandonment. I lacked a support system except for my wife. The mental illness had subsumed my life. After ECT I didn’t remember all the trauma I had undergone. I didn’t remember the hurt I had been subjected to or the slights people held against me. It was all . . . gone.

It was frustrating to forget important things, but in some ways, it was like starting over. For example, it’s hard to hang onto animosity when you can’t remember how it started. Arguments that had jeopardized relationships were suddenly forgotten. The reactions I got from forgetting these events were mixed. In one relationship, my forgetting the argument wasn’t enough. She was hurt and wanted me to know it. I apologized profusely. I would never intentionally hurt another person and if I had, I WAS sorry, but I couldn’t remember the fight. Others who knew about the argument said I wasn’t wholly responsible, but it was possible I lashed out. I could go for the jugular in an argument. But I simply didn’t know what had happened so apologizing was all I could do.

In another case, I hadn’t spoken to a loved one for years. I overheard a phone conversation between her and my mother and, without thinking, shouted, “Hi Denise! Love you!” That was all it took for us to renew the relationship. She was ready to move on. Without the whole backstory of the fight, it was like, “Meh, whatever.” Years later I was able to talk to her about what had happened and saw that she was firmly in the right. I hadn’t taken her side in an argument with the family, and she felt betrayed. My intention had been to be the peacemaker but instead, she felt abandoned when she needed me the most. I was able to apologize to her and let her know that she was right, and I should have had her back.

The biggest change was the healing of a difficult relationship with my in-laws. They didn’t embrace me as their daughter-in-law in the beginning, but after I was free, I was able to see why. They wanted their child to have a healthy relationship with her spouse, and I was scarred and insane. As a parent, I can’t blame them for that. I would want someone healthy for my children to marry. There was pain on both sides, but when I let go of the pain and the ways I thought they had hurt me, we were free to form a new relationship. I apologized for the resentments I had held on to for so many years. We now have a solid relationship. They live a few hours away and I don’t always go with my wife to visit them, but they always ask about me and make sure I know I’m missed and they want to see me, too.

My eyes were opened to blessings rather than staying stuck with bitterness over the life events that dragged me down. I would still be envious of those with a seemingly easy life while I struggled, but the jealousy that was rotting my soul was replaced with an awareness of the joy I felt with my wife and the gifts of my children and later my grandson.

The ECT didn’t cure me, but it did heal me. I still battle delusions and hallucinations every so often, but most people are surprised to hear me speak of it. I’ve learned to hide it pretty well. I keep going. I don’t give up or give in. I am strong, determined. I find ways to give back. I am serving as a Certified Lay Minister assigned to my church. I’m able to write, preach and serve where needed. Yes, there are times I visit hell but there are times when I don’t. There are moments like this where I can write and tell my story. My life is changing but I have a wonderful family that loves and supports me. Friends that encourage me. And I get to FaceTime my grandson every week. Life is good.

I still have physical, mental and emotional illnesses. They will always be a challenge but I’m learning to not just cope but to thrive.

“Brittany, tell me everything’s going to be okay.”

“Yes, honey. Everything will be okay.”

This is my last post about the ECT I underwent. My next series is on the cognitive impairment I now battle. If you find my writing thought provoking, consider subscribing to my blog on Substack: https://jasmineraysymms.substack.com/ or check out my website: www.jasmineraysymms.com 

All previous posts are available on Substack and my website.

Photo by Yulia Gadalina on Unsplash