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Living the Nightmare

I’m locked in a nightmare. I can’t trust my senses. My brain betrays me. I hear voices that torment me. Hold delusions that trap me. Depression that drags me down and makes me pray for relief. The medication I take to make myself functional leaves me exhausted – sleeping 10-12 hours just to be as rested as someone sleeping 7-8 hours. Hours every day stolen, wasted! I trade a chance at sanity for an exhaustion that makes moving hard. My dreams and goals are sabotaged. “I’m trying” replaces “I’m succeeding” and my attempts at success continuously fall short.

My truth is eroding. I believe God is Love and yet the voices scream he “hates” me. I believe God forgives yet my cries apologizing for all I’ve done and all I am, seem to fall on deaf ears. I believe God has blessed me yet I feel so alone, my dreams shattered.

Those around me say they love me but I’m locked in a world they don’t understand. Their love goes unfelt. I have friends in the same boat that understand to a degree but really, my hell is my own. I’m lost. I’m caged, abandoned, and tortured. I’m tired of being told I’m “strong”. I don’t want compliments. I want relief. I don’t need pity. I need freedom from hell. Don’t tell me to “choose” happiness. If I could choose to be healed I would have been healed long ago. I lose hope of being freed from this illness and instead just try to survive it. I want to be understood. I want to be free.

I have schizoaffective disorder. I’ve struggled to maintain any semblance of a normal life and I’ve done it to a degree. I’ve raised children and been married for 32+ years. I work a full-time job and a part-time job. Still, I cry a lot. There’s no escape. I’ve had excellent doctors but treatment options are dwindling. We’ve run out of standard treatments. So, here I am taking each day at a time. Taking my meds and doing as much as I can while continuously falling short. I look back on my life and it’s been a battle. Yes, I keep fighting. Yes, I am strong, but I am tired, so very tired! Logic cannot help me. Pithy sayings bring no relief. Pray for me; don’t judge me. I’m doing the best I can, one day at a time, just wanting to rest in God’s arms.

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