I’m Slipping Away

I’m lost trying not to succumb to fear. My world has been turned upside down. Memory loss that has plagued me for years has worsened. Behavior changes that are upsetting and embarrassing are increasing. Testing shows frontotemporal degeneration, but my symptoms don’t line up with frontotemporal dementia. I’ll have more testing in August and an appointment with Women’s Brain Health Clinic in September. Until then, I sit back and wait for things to go from bad to ugly.

It's a strange feeling to watch my life turn upside down. The memory loss is bad enough, but I find myself misremembering things which is worse. At first, I thought I was just forgetting instances but that my memory could still be trusted. Instead, I find myself unable to rely on my memories and while it seems trite, I can no longer win any argument over the validity of my memory. Where it used to be my memory that was seen as the most accurate, now it can easily be wrong.

I titled this post, “I’m slipping away” because that’s what I feel like. Increasingly, memories fade away. At first, they seemed to drop in a black hole, disappearing entirely but now they just float away, just out of reach. My independence is taking a beating as I can’t drive anymore. My self-reliance is disappearing as I become more and more dependent on others’ charity.

I’m still in shock and denial but I’m learning to take each day as it comes. The fear is there. The anger is there. The frustration is there but God is also there. He is teaching me humility as I learn to ask for help. He is teaching me patience as I wait for tests and doctor appointments. He is teaching me gratitude as I focus on all the blessings he’s provided even if they’re hard to find sometimes. He’s teaching me faith as I trust in His promises and live for His future.

I don’t know how much time I have before I don’t remember those I love. I’m trying to gain some control over the situation by planning for that eventuality. It may be years before I lose my connection to reality. I look back over the last few years and the decline is obvious so it’s hard not to get discouraged. So, I will ask for videos of my loved ones to have something I can remember people by. I will Facetime my grandson so I can enjoy him now. He’s so young he may not remember me but I will write letters for him and the other people I love so hopefully he will know that he is loved beyond words.

I am lucky to have friends and family that are standing by me. I am lucky to have my wife who reassures me she will always take care of me. I am lucky to have a God that can handle my pain and disappointment. I am lucky to not be alone. Yes, I’m slipping away but I am surrounded by love while it happens so I know I’ll be okay. Maybe not in this life but for sure in the next.

Photo by . liane . on Unsplash