Fear Not

Too often I find myself so scared. Scared of dealing with an uncertain future. Scared of a limited lifespan and a rotten way to go. All my friends keep telling me to trust God. I want to trust Him to make me better. I want Him to work a miracle in my life. I want to trust Him but it’s so hard when I’m so scared and angry. My future is not what I want it to be. Dreams have been dashed. Hope feels lost. People don’t understand. Frontotemporal degeneration is progressive and incurable. It accounts for only 10-20% of all dementias unlike Alzheimer's which is about 60%. There are now treatments for Alzheimer's. There is research and drug trials. FTD is far more limited. And, while memory loss is the hallmark of Alzheimer's, behavioral changes are the main component with FTD. That’s what terrifies me. I don’t know who I’ll become. I’m a nice person. I want to be kind and being seen that way is very important to me. FTD threatens to take that away. I’ll become someone I don’t know. We’re already seeing some of that. I’m becoming a b**** at times. My ability to emotionally regulate has become increasingly challenging. My patience is waning. I risk embarrassing myself with inappropriate and even sexualized behavior. All of which intensifies my fear.

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

The Bible is full of God’s promises. He doesn’t promise a miracle, but He does promise to never leave me. There are times when I share my fears and are met with understanding and sympathy. Times I’m not judged for being “negative”. Times when I’m shown love and can see God at work in my life and in the world. I try to see the beauty in the world even when it feels so ugly. I try to find that moment when I remember the calling to love God and others. To focus beyond myself and my struggles and to focus on giving back. I’ve had to give up some of my ministries as it becomes increasingly challenging but I’m still able to do some things I love. I can still write. I can still share my story. I can reach others who are struggling and make a difference in their lives. I want to do more but I can do enough.

The fear remains but I don’t have to let it define me. I can move past the fear and into the welcoming arms of God, my constant support in times of turmoil. My fears are valid, but they aren’t everything. Love is everything. I’m loved by friends and family – the hands and feet of God. The future hasn’t been written, and I don’t hold the pen. I do not need to fear. I’m not alone. God is with me.

Photo by James Coleman on Unsplash