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A delusion is when you believe completely in something that is not true. It’s where you get the tinfoil hats to prevent the aliens from reading your mind. My delusion? I am literally in hell. Not figuratively, “OMG I’m in hell” but an honest to God belief that I am in hell. No, there’s no fire and brimstone but I do believe Satan is speaking to me and tormenting my mind. And it is TERRIFYING!

When my delusion takes hold, logic goes out the window. Everything I see becomes proof that I’m in hell. The clock says 10:14. What other evidence do I need? And I have customized hallucinations that go with the delusion. That sensation of my skin crawling? Demon bugs crawling over my scalp. Satan’s voice? Reminding me that God doesn’t love me. He sent me to hell! I ask out loud, “what have I done?” but I don’t just ask, I scream, “why???” “What did I do????” “I’m SORRY!!!!”

But, in the grip of the delusion, there are no answers. I know something is wrong. That it isn’t normal but I’m lost. I can’t use logic and say, “No, you do not have demon bugs crawling on your head.” I can feel them! I can sense their evil! So, I beg God for help. I plead for him to save me. I don’t know what I did to be sent to hell, but it must have been horribly wrong.

But that’s just it, delusions aren’t real. And when the meds are working, and my brain can function I can see the truth. I can see a loving God who has saved me. I can feel His love. I can rest in His peace. When my medications do their job, I know that delusion is a lie. The sensation on my scalp is an itch I just scratch. There is no hidden meaning behind it being 10:14 other than knowing the umpteenth showing of Criminal Minds started 14 minutes ago.

So, I take my medication and I pray that it works. Most of the time it does. When it stops, I go back to my psychiatrist and beg to try something else. I’m very fortunate. My med regimen works well. The delusions are quiet now, but I know they’ll come back at some point. The medication that keeps them in check will lose its effectiveness. I just hope that when it does there will be a new drug to try. Sometimes that happens and sometimes it doesn’t, but I hang onto the hope.

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