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Can I just be real?

Mental Illness SUCKS! I HATE IT! I want to live my life. I want to be happy about becoming a grandma. I want to be excited about upcoming ministry opportunities. I want to relax knowing I’m safe and taken care of. I don’t want to be told I’m “courting trouble” feeling the way I do. I don’t want to be told I need to “choose joy” as if that were an option. My brain doesn’t work like yours does. I get overwhelmed by the depression. I get confused by the voices telling me things that aren’t true or even real. I get frustrated with the way my life twists and tangles.

I would love the opportunity to just wake up in the morning and go about my day. To not have to take the many drugs I have to take to even have a chance at normalcy. To not have to lose four hours of my day because of the hard core antipsychotics I have to take make me sleep 12 hours a night. To not live with the side effects: tardive dyskinesia, gastroparesis and weight gain just to name a few.

I want to be you! Okay, maybe this is a grass is always greener. . . NO! No one is looking at my grass and telling me they want my life. I am blessed with a wonderful family and many good friends that love and support me but I don’t want to NEED that support! I don’t want to be indebted to others for taking care of me. I want to take care of myself! I want to look at my life and just embrace it, the good and the bad but I can’t just look at my life without the lens of psychosis. Everything is a funhouse mirror. I never know for sure what I’m looking at.

I don’t know if I have a message or if I just needed to rant but if I did have a message it would be: If you are healthy, thank God for that health.  If you have a job, be grateful you can work. If you are loved be grateful you have people in your life that truly care about you. I look for the things to be grateful because otherwise I would fall into a pit of despair. So, my advice be grateful while it’s easy to find the things to be grateful for.

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